Some thoughts in the winter

If one can really pull off his inner energy, I guess I've overdrawn it. Right, I get these wearing sentiment from time to times, like the days when I paced in the laboratory, depressed by the research, like more recent weeks I am learning 3 hours French after full-time job. I told myself, pull out inner energy and rush through. But this is illusions, what I really had was a kind of isolation and this pace of life, sadly, it forms the pieces of my life. When I try to look back in the path, I don't try very often, but when I do, these repeated pattern seems want to tell me I was working on some set up tasks, lasting ones. They are created so I can seamlessly pass time, fill out my life and grow old without notice, and they have the same name as well, Education.

Growing old starts to scare me, it is the idea I wouldn't think of back in 3 years ago. I was like one of those kids like to imaging the great future, Machine Learning will replace 90 percent programming labor; Aids is curable and maybe we will leaving earth to start colonize Mars.. But I can't draw the details of my future self, how he will pass Januaries and August. I can't neither imaging or remember. I am older and older. The man I wished to become, I am not him, and I am not who I was either, now I am reading the first blog I published but I don't feel it was written by my hand. I have to say, this is a strange and sad truth: I can't keep what I had or foresee what I will be. All I have is right here, right now, then this me is gone, forever.

Now I finally realize. I am not who I was and I am not who I will be. Time takes away everything and it kicks you forward regardless. So before it chase me up, here I am writing to you, my future self. Remember that we are different, treat me like some old friend who wrote you, I wish you live well, I wish you are happy in the state you are. I have made all those plan for you to finish because I couldn't finish them. When you are struggling you know that is not you, that was me. I would rather you are just enjoy the moment but I am greedy to be who I am not. I am carrying the guilt to push off all my problems to you so I need to take the responsibility to live up to expectation of the younger me.

All the best.